There are days I wake up feeling unstoppable. I have a plan and I have the energy to pull it all off. I feel organized and happy. I am ticking things off my “To Do” list left and right. Each little thing feeling like a huge accomplishment because for me it is. I want to rejoice in everything I get done. I want to shout it to the world. I am so excited about my achievements, for a crazed moment, I do consider posting all over Facebook, uploading pictures to IG, and writing a blog about all the silly little things I have achieved. But I can usually stop myself from being that person who takes up your feed with things like, “I did a – z today. Haha! Aren’t I the best?” Because who am I kidding? The only person I am trying to impress is myself. Lately achieving anything has been amazing. I have been overly tired (reason unknown as of yet though I am still pushing to figure it out) and my days are varied. Like I said, sometimes I wake up feeling energized and ready to go, but the flip side to that is that those days are usually followed by a day of complete exhaustion where I find it hard to concentrate or get anything done, let alone stay awake. I am trying to learn a good balance so that I don’t have this up and down lifestyle that has left me feeling depressed. I want to get out there and do things, see things, and be a productive human being. I want to travel, see family and friends, and have no limitations. It’s frustrating. I have lived the last year this way and I’m tired of it. I want to be unstoppable everyday. I want to know why my body has all of a sudden decided to rebel. Even the days that I wake up feeling good and getting tons of stuff done are usually cut short by me having to take a nap halfway through. Sometimes it’s a short nap, but if I really got out there and went crazy with my “To Do” list, I will hit a wall where I must drive home immediately and nap for several hours before I can feel somewhat normal again. There are times when I have tried to really push it, like on the fourth of July weekend where I spent the whole weekend away from home, having fun with family, swimming, babysitting, and generally trying to pretend that everything was A-OK pushing myself as long as I could (I did take naps when I could sneak away), but I would come right back out and get back into the middle of everything again until late. Up early. Go to bed late. After that weekend, I think I slept for 3-4 days, only getting up to eat, shower, etc. I had done too much. I had pushed myself too far. Why does it have to be like that though? I have been in and out of doctors offices, drawing blood, x-rays, CT scans, tests for everything any of us can think of and nothing. NOTHING! So off to therapy I go because after a year of trying to figure this out and it only getting worse not better, I have now become depressed, anxious, angry, and feeling utterly crazy because no one can figure out how to make the exhaustion stop and get me back to my life. A little over a year ago, I was happy, I was walking 3 miles a day after chasing my preschoolers around all day, I was cooking good food, I was going places and having fun. I had plans and I was working towards them. What the hell happened? Sorry to rant. I’ve just been so frustrated and more tired than usual. This heat isn’t helping either. I can’t wait for fall. I hope we have a real fall and a real winter. I miss cool weather, rain (especially rain), and windy fall days. Summer seems to start earlier every year and last longer. Anyway, I’m trying to stay positive. Trying to keep my head up. Trying to find balance since that seems to be the only thing I can do.
I am a 40 year old Fangirl who loves to read, watch TV/movies, collect Funko Pop! figures and is trying to get in shape. When I turned 40 last year, I decided it was time I began chasing my dreams, having fun, and start ticking things off of my bucket list. I hope you will join me for my adventures in my next 40 years years.